Here are a few:
“Women are like cell phones. They like to be held and talked to, but push the wrong button, and you’ll be disconnected.”
—Unknown
“People like you are the reason people like me take pills!”
—Neva Faith Linn
“There are two different kinds of people in this world: those who finish what they start, and….”
—Brad Ramsey
“Life was so much easier when your clothes didn’t match and boys had cooties!”
—Unknown
“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”
—Oscar Wilde
“A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.”
—H.L. Mencken
“I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.”
—Alan Coren
“The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.”
—Bill Cosby
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you’re not in shape for it, it’s too far to walk back.”
—Franklin Jones
“God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.”
—Robin Williams (on Clinton/Lewinsky affair)
“Teenager with nose ring, baggy clothing and spiked hair to friend: I don’t really like dressing like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere they go.”
—Unknown
“Not all chemicals are bad. Without hydrogen or oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.”
—Dave Berry
Many more here.