* I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day … tomorrow is not looking good either.

* I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

* Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

* Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

* Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he is not there the first time, chances are you will not be needing him again.

* I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

* Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

* My reality cheque bounced.

* On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

* I don’t suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

* You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

* Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

* Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

* Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.