1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf- you.
2. You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.
3. Well this day was a total waste of make up
4. Don’t bother me, I’m living happily ever after.
5. Do I look like a people person?
6. This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting.
7. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
8. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
9. Why don’t you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?
10. I’m not crazy. I’ve been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
11. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
12. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
13. I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
14. Stress is what you have when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t gone to sleep yet.
15. Back off!! You’re standing in my aura.
16. Don’t worry, I forgot your name too.
17. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
18. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
19. Wait…I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
20. Chaos, panic and disorder…my work here is done.
21. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
22. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
23. Earth is full. Go home.
24. Aw, did I step on our poor little itty bitty ego?
25. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
26. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
27. If a-holes could fly, this place would be an airport.
28. Look in my eyes…do you see one ounce of who gives-a-shit?

These aren’t in any particular order but it’s easy to see with four entries in the list the W.C. Fields is by far the best boozer that has lived.

“Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.” –Frank Sinatra

“Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.” –W. C. Fields

“Here’s to alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.” –Homer Simpson

“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.” –Dean Martin

“There can’t be good living where there is not good drinking.”–Benjamin Franklin

“I don’t care how liberated this world becomes – a man will always be judged by the amount of alcohol he can consume – and a woman will be impressed, whether she likes it or not.” –Doug Coughlin (Cocktail)

“I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.” –W. C. Fields

“My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them.” –Winston Churchill

“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.” –Jack Handy

“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.” –W. C. Fields

“It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.”
–W. C. Fields

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. They wake up in the morning and that’s the best they are going to feel all day.” –Frank Sinatra

“You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline… it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.” –Frank Zappa

“The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.” –Humphrey Bogart

“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.” –George Burns

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.” –Al Gore, Vice President

1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
5. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
6. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
7. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
8. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
9. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
11. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
12. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
13. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
14. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
15. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
16. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
17. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
18. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
19. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
20. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
21. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
22. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
23. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
24. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
25. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
26. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
27. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
28. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
29. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
30. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
31. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
32. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
33. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
34. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
35. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
36. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
37. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
38. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
39. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
40. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”

The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ‘Take what you want.’”

The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

Two mates loaded up Jack’s mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed” she explained. ‘I’m afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house’.

“Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from a Lawyer. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the Lawyer of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked:

“Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?”.

“Yes, I do.”

“Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”

“Yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”

“And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”

Bob’s face turned red and he said, “Yeah, sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”

“She just died and left me everything.”

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?) Now keep that smile for the rest of the day.

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