Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

 
Nov
16
Posted (admin) in Humor on November-16-2010



 
Oct
26
Posted (admin) in Humor, YouTube on October-26-2010



 
Sep
24
Posted (admin) in Humor on September-24-2010

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

  • The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
  • She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison.” He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”

  • “He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr
  • “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill
  • “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow
  • “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
  • “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas
  • “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain
  • “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde
  • “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…. if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
  • “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second…. if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response.
  • “I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop
  • “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright
  • “I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb
  • “He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson
  • “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating
  • “In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand
  • “He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker
  • “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain
  • “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West
  • “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go..” – Oscar Wilde
  • “He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
  • “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder
  • “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx




 
Sep
09
Posted (admin) in Funny Ideas, Humor, YouTube on September-9-2010



 
Aug
30
Posted (admin) in Humor on August-30-2010

God was missing for six days.  Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day..

He inquired, “Where have you been?”

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look, Michael.. Look what I’ve made.”

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, “What is it?”

“It’s a planet,” replied God, and I’ve put life on it… I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a place to test Balance.”

“Balance?” inquired Michael, “I’m still confused.”

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. “For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.  Balance in all things.”

God continued pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”

The Archangel , impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land area and said, “What’s that one?”

“That’s the State of Texas , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, beaches and plains. The people from the State of Texas are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things.”

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, “But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance..”

God smiled, “There’s Washington DC .  Wait till you see the idiots I put there.”




 
Aug
28
Posted (admin) in Humor, YouTube on August-28-2010


 
Aug
23
Posted (admin) in Humor on August-23-2010

Ned was down on his luck in Las Vegas. He had gambled away all his money and had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men’s room. The stall happened to be open, so he used the dime in a slot machine and hit the jackpot. He took his winnings and went to the blackjack table and turned his small winnings into ten million dollars.

Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned went on the lecture circuit, where he told his incredible story.

He told his audiences that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found the man he would share his fortune with him. After months of lectures, a man in the audience jumped up and said,

“I’m that man. I was in Vegas in 1992. I was the one who gave you the dime.”

“You’re not the one I’m looking for. I’m looking for the guy who left the stall door open!”




 
Aug
23
Posted (admin) in Humor on August-23-2010

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she’ll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, “Who the hell was that?”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce.”

“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don’t get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus’s in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with Jim?” asks the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” she replies.



 
Aug
14
Posted (admin) in Humor, Music, YouTube on August-14-2010



 
Jul
29
Posted (admin) in Humor on July-29-2010



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